December 10, 2016

This was my response to a post/comment regarding how to fight Trump that I appreciated and am very much with, but also felt the need to add to regarding her statement, “decided my way to affect change is to be a little nicer in the outside world.” It felt so real and true and good to get out that I am sharing it here.

I appreciate your thoughtful comment, and am with you. I would just like to add an additional perspective. I have not ever been a big activist though in the past year I’ve done what I could to be a voice for women (esp reproductive trauma and rights) and to support Hillary and denounce Trump. But I have ALWAYS been kind in the world (thank you, mom, my role model) (and not saying you haven’t been, [commenter], this is a general statement). I have smiled at everyone, until or unless they’ve given me a reason not to. I lend a hand, I say a kind word, I give a compliment, I pass out whatever singles or fives I have in my wallet on a corner. I volunteer, I donate, I ask what people need, or I anticipate it. I send hand written thank you notes and care packages, and let people know I care. I tell people to call me any time if they could use an ear or a shoulder, and mean it. I let slights slide. I don’t get into drama. I call bullshit bullshit, but I give people the benefit of the doubt. I encourage, I boost, I appreciate, I show up. I go the extra mile and turn myself inside fucking out in a healthcare profession that drains my soul. And I have meant all of it, truly, which is not heroic, bc honestly, it comes very naturally (again, thanks, mom), especially in the past few years which have been the best of my life, which is one reason I want EVERYONE to be happy and secure and feel love, because it spreads like the best wildfire ever. But I did it during my darkest days too. I couldn’t do AS much when I was in survival mode, and that added HUGELY to my pain and guilt at the time. But I still acted in those ways, and I never wanted or asked other people to suffer because I was, and I wasn’t a dick. The most I ever asked for was space as I worked through my shit, and now I give others that space, letting them know it’s ok, I’ve got their back till they’re strong again, and ready to pay it forward and have someone else’s back, and more importantly, I let them know that time will come. And now? Now I feel SHIT on. Now I withhold my smiles. Now I don’t feel like being that nice. Now I am devastated and outraged and flabbergasted. And yes, I am guilt ridden once again, because I didn’t say enough or do enough soon enough. Now I’m scrambling, like the rest of us who can’t fucking believe this nightmare. Now I am fast to judge. Now I don’t feel like we’re all on the same team, just trying to make it through this thing called life. Now I am willing to despise people, even ones who are “not bad people” because I CANNOT get past the ignorance and repulsiveness of Trump or what anyone who voted for him was willing to believe and accept. Now I want to tell people to SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THEIR JUSTIFICATIONS, that there is NO JUSTIFICATION. Now I am SICK to my core, and I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next four years other than becoming a fucking alcoholic. But I have little kids, so I’m doing my best to find a way each day, to find a way to blend this TOXIC, backward fucking dystopia and the good I’ve always believed and done and taught them, to keep letting them know that what is going on (bc yes, they know) is poison, but that we need to and will remain steadfast in being an elixir of love and goodness. And I’m trying to do what I can to fight, and I will not stop, and that’s what they will learn as they grow. But if any more love and kindness and goodness ever come from this, it will be DESPITE him and them, because it was already there and we didn’t let him steal it, not because it’s how we’ve had to react. Fuck him and his hate.